One of the most frustrating things in life is not being able to act the same way I did when I was the most happiest in my life.
There was a time when I was so blasé about certain things. I wasn’t concerned with whether someone would like me or not. I mean, I cared, but I was me and I was going to do my thing. If they liked me and we vibed together, fantastic. If not, it sucked, but I didn’t care.
But I learned there was a lot of how I acted and thought that was harmful to other people, so I changed my approach. Now I’m so careful.
Don’t get me wrong; I am still the same deep down inside but it’s like instead of broadcasting myself, I give the filtered version of myself. I think this makes it so some people never see the real me. The hurtful part is I can see deep down that these people would love the real me if we could just get over the hump. But I have so much respect for some people that I don’t act my old ways because I don’t want to feel like I won them the way I used to win them.
The shitty part is, when I grow apart from people, I revert to the safe version and sometimes then I can’t even get back to the way I was before with that person. That especially hurts, because I know there’s a version of me they vibe with but because of life changes it just doesn’t work anymore.
Of course, they changed too, so it isn’t just in my control. It still hurts though.
Would I go back? Yes. Would I end up in the same place? Yes. So does that mean where I’m at is worse even though I long for the past? I don’t think so.
It’s hard to accept growing older.
To go into more detail, there was a time when I was sleeping around a lot. I’d have multiple women in a rotation and I’d pretty much always have an option or three, every single day and at any time I wanted. I felt guilty, but I did genuinely care for the people I was with.
But then I realized, and asked myself, why am I doing this? Why is one person not enough? So I made the choice, I found who I clicked with the most and closed off the other options. I’m still here 14 years later. So that’s a win. But why does it not feel as though it is? Because I’m not living like I’m a king and getting laid whenever I want?
Why do I miss what I grew away from? How do I be happy with who I am? I’ve asked myself this for the longest time. I’m just not a good person.
But a not-good person wouldn’t make a change like that, voluntarily.
The issue isn’t that I just went from unrestrained and free to considerate to others. It’s that I went from unrestrained to restrained. I censor and filter myself.
I feel like I’m mourning how I felt at that point: in control, desired, needed. I wasn’t analyzing everyone’s responses because they mean so much to me, if something didn’t work it didn’t work, I was still me and I wasn’t alone. There was an ease to being who I am that I don’t have anymore.
I want to be weird or funny or crazy or sexual or annoying or intense without worrying about the response. I can let them form their own opinions and I can still be me.
I think there’s a balance, I can be considerate but still be me. I just need to get back to not analyzing everything before I just let things happen. I know the changes I made that were good, and I’m starting to understand the changes I made alongside it that took away part of who I am.
It’s a balance, and I must find it. I don’t know how to do that yet.
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