What's wrong with me?

Tag: dad

  • Deceptive

    Today, I responded to the picture my father sent me which I referenced in my last post. I let him know I wrote a blog post about this very topic. I did not mention my thoughts on the subject or how I felt the attitude of the picture was counterproductive, just that I wrote about it.

    I feel bad for not telling my father my true feelings. I feel bad because I’m not showing who I am. My father is very sensitive, just like me. I feel as though if I were to say my thoughts, he might be offended, or he might double down on his side to belittle mine. So I didn’t say anything. Again, my intent and my feelings aren’t meant to take away his, but I feel if I shared my true thoughts my own opinion would face scrutiny.

    But shouldn’t I be courageous? Shouldn’t I be bold? Shouldn’t I feel some agency and defend who I am? I felt that by letting him know I wrote something in my blog, but not letting him know that I wasn’t in exact agreement with the sentiment, that I was deceptive. Now he may feel I have a similar stance and viewpoint.

    …All just to avoid an argument and having to defend myself.

    Am I meant to provide full disclosure just so there’s no misunderstanding of my feelings? Would it have been better to just say nothing?

    He immediately asked if he could see my blog, and I was deceptive again. I let him know it’s a WordPress on my computer, but it is behind the firewall and only available on my local network. I felt that this was bad, because it was an actual lie.

    …All just to avoid an argument and having to defend myself.

    My father has given a lot to me, especially materially. Even recently he made a huge purchase for me just to be nice to me. But does that mean I owe it to him to put aside my reservations and make myself vulnerable? I don’t know. That’s what I’m struggling with now. What do I exactly owe him? Access to my feelings and thoughts? Communication? Time? Gratitude? What?

    We can always feign that we are doing it solely for making someone else happy, but in my experience, that’s not true. We may even convince ourselves, but deep down there’s always some self-serving purpose in my eyes. “I just want them to like me,” “I want their respect,” or even “I like the way *I* feel when they’re happy.”

    I love my father, I really do. But I also feel there’s a real danger in being different and having different viewpoints where I would need to defend who I am and how I feel, and honestly I just don’t know if I have the strength or desire to do that.

    The thought ties into the last post, as well. Caring what other people think about me and having to build myself up is so tiresome. So so tiresome. I’m trying to just be me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sure, I’m constantly trying to improve myself and build a better life. I don’t want to have to sync with anyone else, though. My identity is my own.

    So does that mean I’m closed off or narrow minded?

    Maybe every disagreement doesn’t need to become a debate. I already over analyze everything, maybe I have already made the argument the other person is trying to make in my head already. In fact, I probably have.

    One thing I want to do is find a way to be honest but respectful. How do I minimize omissions and eliminate lies but also feel like I don’t have to give access to my inner thoughts and feelings?

  • Bipolar, the personality trait

    Today my father sent me a picture about Bipolar disorder which stated that Bipolar is not just being sad when something happens. It said it’s a medical condition, not a personality trait. It was titled “We’re All a Little Bipolar”

    While I agree with all the information in the picture, the delivery is what bothers me. I, myself, have Bipolar. I have for most of my life.

    What I have been moving away from, and this is the issue I have with the picture, is the them versus us attitude. I find it hard enough to assimilate into society with this affliction, but I don’t feel the way forward is to ask other people to change. I think the way forward is to accept what you are and understand why other people may feel otherwise. I know it’s easier said than done.

    I feel that what happens when you adopt this mindset that other people will never understand, is that you are segregating yourself from them. The truth is, we all have medical conditions. We all have things we go through.

    I’m in no way trying to minimize my father’s experience or say that he’s wrong for identifying with the message in the picture.

    For me, once I start presenting bipolar as an explanation of who I am rather than something I live with, it starts moving from medical condition toward identity. I choose to keep my Bipolar as a medical condition. This helps me not feel ill will toward others who may not be able to understand what it means to be Bipolar. It also helps me know that I have a condition which requires my own personal adjustments and not the adjustments of others who may not be willing or able to adjust.

    Then again, I’ve now devoted an entire blog post to analyzing how I responded to a picture, so apparently over-analysis is one identity I’m perfectly willing to embrace.