Deceptive

Today, I responded to the picture my father sent me which I referenced in my last post. I let him know I wrote a blog post about this very topic. I did not mention my thoughts on the subject or how I felt the attitude of the picture was counterproductive, just that I wrote about it.

I feel bad for not telling my father my true feelings. I feel bad because I’m not showing who I am. My father is very sensitive, just like me. I feel as though if I were to say my thoughts, he might be offended, or he might double down on his side to belittle mine. So I didn’t say anything. Again, my intent and my feelings aren’t meant to take away his, but I feel if I shared my true thoughts my own opinion would face scrutiny.

But shouldn’t I be courageous? Shouldn’t I be bold? Shouldn’t I feel some agency and defend who I am? I felt that by letting him know I wrote something in my blog, but not letting him know that I wasn’t in exact agreement with the sentiment, that I was deceptive. Now he may feel I have a similar stance and viewpoint.

…All just to avoid an argument and having to defend myself.

Am I meant to provide full disclosure just so there’s no misunderstanding of my feelings? Would it have been better to just say nothing?

He immediately asked if he could see my blog, and I was deceptive again. I let him know it’s a WordPress on my computer, but it is behind the firewall and only available on my local network. I felt that this was bad, because it was an actual lie.

…All just to avoid an argument and having to defend myself.

My father has given a lot to me, especially materially. Even recently he made a huge purchase for me just to be nice to me. But does that mean I owe it to him to put aside my reservations and make myself vulnerable? I don’t know. That’s what I’m struggling with now. What do I exactly owe him? Access to my feelings and thoughts? Communication? Time? Gratitude? What?

We can always feign that we are doing it solely for making someone else happy, but in my experience, that’s not true. We may even convince ourselves, but deep down there’s always some self-serving purpose in my eyes. “I just want them to like me,” “I want their respect,” or even “I like the way *I* feel when they’re happy.”

I love my father, I really do. But I also feel there’s a real danger in being different and having different viewpoints where I would need to defend who I am and how I feel, and honestly I just don’t know if I have the strength or desire to do that.

The thought ties into the last post, as well. Caring what other people think about me and having to build myself up is so tiresome. So so tiresome. I’m trying to just be me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sure, I’m constantly trying to improve myself and build a better life. I don’t want to have to sync with anyone else, though. My identity is my own.

So does that mean I’m closed off or narrow minded?

Maybe every disagreement doesn’t need to become a debate. I already over analyze everything, maybe I have already made the argument the other person is trying to make in my head already. In fact, I probably have.

One thing I want to do is find a way to be honest but respectful. How do I minimize omissions and eliminate lies but also feel like I don’t have to give access to my inner thoughts and feelings?